I remember this very clearly even today,
when I heard this voice in my mind for the first time....
Something happened and I was very sad
and depress, blaming this whole world to be very cruel and I was the only one
who was bearing this cruelty of the people and suddenly I hear this voice which
kept on repeating in my head that "I AM SPECIAL"
Instantly I felt really good and very
different from other, thinking I am some divine gift given to this world and
all my actions no matter what I do and how I behave is OK!!! and with This feeling, I tried to
control actions not only mine but of others in order to remain in this
amazing feeling of Special..
If someone dared to take away my
spot light away then I would get really jealously and envious and would try to
control situation in a very cunning and con way so that I can very subtly
destroy the other person confidence or make them feel really disgusting about
them, which I am very ashamed to admit, did gave me sadistic pleasure and
instantly made me feel special again...
There was always constant
competition , in fact, the worst part was, I could not even see my close
family member, friend being happy about certain things, it would trigger me and
would make me feel very comfortable and I could not control myself to destroy
their happiness. I would make sarcastic comments, belittle them , compare them
or make harsh comment and if they would get upset then I would say that I was
joking. I would very slowly and subtly destroy their confidence, without even
their awareness.....and still I would feel SPECIAL...
I could not even reflect to question my
self of how in the sane mind, anyone can feel special when my actions are
completely opposite.....
Mind of a narcissist is very twisted and Toxic and its very controlled. Even though there were some moments when I knew I was doing wrong but I did not have controlled over my mind to stop it. I felt like I was forced to behave in certain manner.
Its a very complicated and twisted mind
frame which is very hard to break and now when I am able to reflect, I get
shocked to witness of how my mind actually truly operates...IT'S A NIGHTMARE!!!