"Oh! I am special" - Toxic Mind of Narcissist


I remember this very clearly even today, when I heard this voice in my mind for the first time....


Something happened and I was very sad and depress, blaming this whole world to be very cruel and I was the only one who was bearing this cruelty of the people and suddenly I hear this voice which kept on repeating in my head that "I AM SPECIAL"  



Instantly I felt really good and very different from other, thinking I am some divine gift given to this world and all my actions no matter what I do and how I behave is OK!!! and with This feeling, I tried to control  actions not only mine but of others in order to remain in this amazing feeling of Special..


If someone dared to take away my spot light away then I would get really jealously and envious and would try to control situation in a very cunning and con way so that I can very subtly destroy the other person confidence or make them feel really disgusting about them, which I am very ashamed to admit, did gave me sadistic pleasure and instantly made me feel special again...


There was always constant competition , in fact, the worst part was, I could not even see  my close family member, friend being happy about certain things, it would trigger me and would make me feel very comfortable and I could not control myself to destroy their happiness. I would make sarcastic comments, belittle them , compare them or make harsh comment and if they would get upset then I would say that I was joking. I would very slowly and subtly destroy their confidence, without even their awareness.....and still  I would feel SPECIAL...


I could not even reflect to question my self of how in the sane mind, anyone can feel special when my actions are completely opposite.....


Mind of a narcissist is very twisted and Toxic and its very controlled. Even though there were some moments when I knew I was doing wrong but I did not have controlled over my mind to stop it. I felt like I was forced to behave in certain manner.


Its a very complicated and twisted mind frame which is very hard to break and now when I am able to reflect, I get shocked to witness of how my mind actually truly operates...IT'S A NIGHTMARE!!!