Being a
Narcissist, wearing a mask comes very naturally to me and I could never
understand when Sree Maa pin point about how I am still wearing the mask or not
being real or why I was still faking.
It was very
hard for me to understand why Sree Maa is saying this, after all, I went beyond
all level to impress, win and be better than everyone and I worked really hard
for it but rather than that I was exposed all the time. I could not
understand why? I mean it worked before on most of the people but how I am
failing all the time, every moment, every second in front of Sree Maa
As reflection and
introspection were two alien words for me, I talked myself of trying and
pushing it bit more harder and pretend more, In fact I learn
new tricks, new image and studies more in details so that finally I would be
able to win and control Sree Maa..but that just my wishful thinking!
Now looking
back, I am so glad Sree Maa expressed it straightforwardly to me all the time
and finally after 36 years of age, the day came when something clicked inside
me and I saw, how actually I am fooling myself, that how toxic my games are,
that how I "ACT" like a victim despite being the biggest
"VICTIMSER" - it just clicked in my mind.
I still
remember that day, I receive Sree Maas message which mentioned about how I am
using people as supply. My typical behaviour was to Blame first and then act
victim and get upset, irritated. It was extremely hard for me to come out of
that victim zone.
I could not
understand why: after all I was working so hard and why I am not being
appreciated. Why me? Why poor me? But that day a magic happened, I realize that
if I was really work hard to change then why I am not able to take Sree Maa's
feedback in positive way, why I instantly go in victim zone.
Soon I
questioned myself, was i really working hard to change or working hard to
create another mask to trap Sree Maa as a supply. Otherwise why I
would I get triggered all the time after being exposed.
I asked
myself if I was genuine, I would really took the precious feedback of Sree Maa,
who is selflessly, without any expectation working so hard.
Why isn't
there any gratitude in my words or actions? Actually, I further delved, what is
Gratitude!!