Now when I look back, I
can see how I had always surrounded myself with my trained and brainwashed
flying Monkey to support me in my games of manipulation, deception and
con.
Being A Narcissist,
these things came very naturally to me, without making an effort.
Everything would be
masterminded in a way, that without my flying monkey knowing, that they being
used to act in a certain way, which is to destroy and malign my victim.
It is done in a very subtle way that no one including the victim and flying
Monkey, would be aware of how and what happened and people like me, would
easily get away, without getting my hands dirty...
Fly Monkeys are being
trained in such a way that when anyone tries to show the real image of the
Abuser, they would in fact get angry and end up abusing the person.
I have seen how my
family always defended me even though I was the main culprit all the mind.
Mind of Narcissist is
very Sick because when so much of abuse is done and still A Narcissist
struggles to accept them as a victimizer and struggle to witness that it is
purely our actions are purely inhuman and extremely devious. More Scary is
still the image of being Divine and special does not get shattered, In fact
more the abuse, more better and superior the Narcissist feels about themselves.
I have used my innocent
family as my fly Monkey for a very long time. Every time I discarded anyone in
my life, I used my family to do that work for me, while I would stand far
away watching the mess and feeling superior to witness the chaos and
destruction happening without even the awareness of anyone that the main
culprit is me. I sold my family the image of stupid innocent victim
of this cruel world who always end up being abused by the society because of my
naive and trusting nature. I never exposed my cunning and evil thoughts to
them. For me even my family was an object which I was entitled to use for my selfish
agenda to feel good about my broken self.
I remember how I used
my sister as my supply all the time. I would go on and on about my sick victim
story ,to steal her empathy towards me and force her to give me
compliment about me all the time and once I would feel charged up, by sucking
her all energy, I would belittle her to break her confidence.
I really regret from
the bottom of my heart for treating my sister like a piece of a s***. I hate it
now, I was never there for her during her hard times, even when she confessed
to me that how she wanted to end her life but still I failed to see the gravity
of the situation. I could not gave her my shoulder to cry and held her hand to
move out. In fact, tried to push her down to the muck, because I was jealously
and envious of her. and would constantly put seeds of doubt in her to even
break her marriage.
I Remember how she
would say that after talking to me she literally feel drained out and I would
just laugh at her.
This is the sick Mind
of a Narcissist..
Only when Sree Maa
walked in my life, and helped me to see how much damage I am doing to the
people's soul around. Sree Maa taught me not to hurt others to feel good about my broken self. Sree Maa allowed herself to be used as my supply so that I could not go and hurt other people. Sree Maa saved my family and finally my sister was able to see the damage I have done to
her and everyone within our family unit.
It wasn't easy for my Narcissist self, it was not easy to stop playing games, which came very naturally to me and I once again end up using my sister as a
flying Monkey to malign Sree Maa's name.
I feel very ashamed while writing this and it hurts that when my Sister finally was able to find peace and feel love
towards Sree Maa, I could not see her happiness and end up destroying it by creating unnecessary situations. It hurts
badly and I can never forgive myself that I fail to be a sister, daughter,
wife, student and a friend..
I have Failed all the
relationships just for my compulsive & sadistic 2 minutes pleasure.
